A Good Wife

A Good Wife

 

There’s this bag

In what was meant to be

My hope chest* 

It's full of letters i wrote

To people that didn't exist

In my life.

 

25 letters and

One card are

Written to my future husband

Telling him all about

How i was preparing myself

To be his wife

A woman of God

 

And how he should remember

That carnations 

Are my favourite flower

Because i find them kind of

Mysterious. i don't know why

i was 15 when i wrote it.

 

i wrote in my first letter,

i don't know if i know you

But i want to know you

i'm praying for you

Have you ever felt lonely,

For no reason at all?

i feel so alone.

 

i kept writing,

i'm sorry for rambling,

i just needed to talk to someone.

i wrote about my day,

About my favourite classes

And how one day, i hoped that i might be

Healed enough to be a good wife

The goal of therapy after all,

Was to heal enough

That i could perform my wifely duty

i never thought about healing

For me

 

i wrote:
All i want is to be

Beautiful for you

All i want is to be

Your beautiful virgin bride

i want to please you

i'm just scared that you 

Won't find me pretty enough

 

i'll become skinny and beautiful

For you, and only for you

Don't worry, i'll be beautiful

And skinny when we meet

i won't be fat and ugly,

i promise.

Dated March 30th 2005

In my journal, i counted my calories

Counted the times i forced myself

To throw up and how desperate i was

To be skinny for him

i had to be perfect, to be good enough

 

On April 2nd i wrote, 

i made a promise to you today,

It’s called a promise ring and it shows everyone

i am pure, a virgin

Waiting for you,

i promise i will wait

 

So how's life?

Life here is OK but...

i'm sick of living this meaningless life.

The first time i put into words

The first words i learned during trauma

Was in a letter to my husband

 

i wrote about

Being terrified that he wouldn't

Accept me because

Technically, i wasn't really a virgin

Because by kindergarten i'd already 

Learned my body doesn't belong to me

It belongs to the men around me

Rape was just a lie the secular world

Used to describe how to correct a bad wife

Abuse was for the ungodly, the sinners

And impossible to be found in a home of God

When it was a God-given-right

 

They told me every summer

Gathered with the other girls

At camp

How my body only ever belonged

To my husband 

And he wouldn't want it if

i had given it to anyone else

They didn't tell me that this body was mine,

It was only a hollow temple for a man of god to worship in

They didn't tell me that there was any other word

Besides yes and ok

And i guess so

i didn't know that no was an option

Because No wasn't an option if i wanted to be

A good wife, a good woman of god

 

i remember crying

Shame streaming down my burning face

As i thought about 

All those times they had ravaged my body

Stealing the only gift i was taught i had to give,

And i remember the despair

As i realised that the man God had made for me

Might turn away because i wasn't

Whole anymore

And i knew God wouldn't blame him

Because i was the one who had failed

 

Hey hun,

So i'm going to keep this short

But i think i want to live out of the city

There's just so much violence now a days

But with gas prices going up,

We might just end up in the city

Gas is a buck a litre

Litre is spelled l e a t e r

 

i did not have a childhood

i had an indoctrination

A dress rehearsal for the future

i was never a child

i could only ever be a bride to be

 

To my future wife or husband

i hold onto these letters

Not for you, but for me.

i hold onto them to remind me

How easily faith can be twisted and blinding,

A reminder of the death-gripping maw of the patriarchal cages

And all that i have clawed free from.